In trying to take more time to reflect and listen quietly to my soul, I’m learning some things about myself. One thing I’ve found, is that this achievement-seeking aspect of my nature is not especially complimentary to this chapter of my life. It’s so interesting to me how certain personality traits can seem like a great benefit in one chapter of life, and yet in others, they can feel like more of a flaw. I’ve always been so focused on goals, and for a large part of my life this drive to accomplish challenges ahead of me, has been a quality I’ve been proud of. And there were certainly times I’ve been in positions where I’ve inelegantly tried to force outcomes that might not have otherwise come about. What I’m learning, everyday it seems like, is that I can’t force this outcome. I can’t make myself get pregnant. I can’t try to solve this like I’ve tried to solve so many other challenges in my life.
I’m also finding out, I’m not so good at letting go. It’s a process, and I constantly have to remind myself that it doesn’t just involve me, Chris is in it too. His feelings and opinions about the choices we make as a couple are important to me, and I’m incredibly lucky to be with someone so patient and understanding.
It’s because of Chris that a few weeks ago, when I wrote my last post, I decided to remove all my ovulation test strips, the fertility tracker, BBT thermometer, and fertility books from my sight. If anything, these objects just provoked further questions and anxieties and they really weren’t the means to an end that I wish they were.
I feel like the only path I can take now, is the one of least resistance. No more medical intervention, no more compulsive Googling of symptoms, no more research of little known holistic remedies. It’s time for me to stop focusing so much on outcomes, and “what-ifs”, and take a careful look at how I’m treating myself an Chris in all of this.
I want nothing more than to be a mother, but the risk of losing myself in this pursuit is simply too great.