Reconciling the desires of my heart with reality, has as of late, become quite a challenge for me. Yesterday, an emotionally charged conversation with Chris about the consequences of this desire left us both in tears.
I’ve never thought much about obsessions, but surely I thought I would be able to recognize when this quest to get pregnant turned from a passion into something else. Even as it consumed my every thought, I would keep it up, always escalating to further methods of control. I didn’t notice it had become an obsession, not at first. In my own way I have rationalized and normalized the behavior, all in an effort to make myself feel more sane. I truly believed if I could explain to others how I’d gotten to the point of furiously tracking my body temperature, compulsively documenting symptoms in various fertility apps, and peeing on so many sticks, that they might understand, or at the very least not brand me as a madwoman. But even writing it now, the lengths I’ve gone to – to create something I have no control over, baffle me.
Still, who would’ve thought that in trying to understand my body, I could somehow lose my mind?
This experience has changed me. For any woman who has met infertility in all its forms, it is ignorant to say they could remain unchanged by it. Something I’ve attempted to explain is the compounding effect that all these failed attempts have on the soul. With each new cycle restart, the memories of past cycles, past efforts don’t leave you. They build on one another, and for me they continue to be hard to let go of.
What Chris worries about most for me, is to see this obsession become fused with my identity. He fears that one day I will look in the mirror and not like who I see. Will I be unrecognizable, twisted and marred by these experiences and no longer uniquely me? To Chris I am so much more than a woman of one singular desire. He is sure of this, even if sometimes I am not. Our relationship has changed in many ways in this chapter of our lives. And while I see Chris as a stronger partner, someone who has kept me grounded and made me feel safe, I have not been a stronger partner to him in all of this. He has seen me overtaken by a pursuit I must let go of.
I have had other passions before, dreams that seemed almost as all-consuming as this one, but the difference is they have all had conclusions. Every single one held some meaning in my life, and yet they were not permanent. The important people in my life have desperately tried to get across to me one hard truth – that good things happen when you least expect them to. It’s a lesson I feel I have to re-learn everyday.