When we decided we were ready to try to get pregnant, I found it rather difficult to avoid day dreaming about the future. A moment of thinking about the great Dad Chris would make would pull me into a whole imagined life. It wasn’t until we were about 6 months into trying I began to realize my thinking had become predictably cyclical. When nearing ovulation, I’d always feel the best; filled with new hope and possibility. Only after, during the two week wait, did the stress really start to creep in. One does not escape a two week wait. Time moves painfully slow and there is always the fear that your cycle will start anew, signaling you are not pregnant. My Google search history during this time became almost comical. Every twinge and phantom symptom led to hours of me reading exchanges between hopeful women on ttc message boards.
I still struggle with trying not to over-escalate when my cycle restarts. By that I mean, when I feel defeated I will try to explore a new method. Whether that’s opting for another cycle of ovulation induction, purchasing an expensive fertility tracker, or delving into eastern medicine solutions like acupressure and herbs, with me it is always some new solution that I’m sure will be “the one”.
I am at least partially aware that each new method or potential solution is just a way for me to hold on. Many people have told me to let go, to relax, to take a break. I am all too familiar with the phrase “it will happen when you least expect it”. And I believe these people, I really do. But I do still wonder – how does letting go not feel so much like giving up?